Existence

LIFE . PAPER BAGS . LULLABIES . FOOD

Category: Random Musings

Loveless

In the darkest of corners exists your naked emotions -the ones that aim to exhaust your body of its last remaining drops of sanity. It is these thoughts that arouse your demons and lay you bare, perfect for mutilation. But you plead and plead for them to set your soul free, until you realise your soul was long gone – desecrated by your last lover. For you see, they say love is for the weak but it is for the brave – for the brave, time and time again sacrifice their very souls for your breaths. These lovers rip their chests open and present their souls in an open casket, but you, laden in black cloth, mourn the very same souls that want nothing more but to rid you of yourself. To rid you of every painstaking breath you take. And now you mourn the lovers that once held your breath in high regard, only to realise they weren’t lovers but demons – the very same ones that haunt you in your most vulnerable hours. So you plead and plead again for them to set your soul free, and they do – only this time, presenting themselves with an ultimatum. So you plead once again, and they give in and present to you your scarred soul; it isn’t worth much, but it’ll do. And with it you set sail in search for another soul to prey on, in the hope that it’ll cure your soul once and for all – but again, that soul only wreaks havoc within your very bones, propelling you into a cycle of destruction. Then the demons surface once more and plead with you to sell your dignity as a meagre price for your ravaged soul. So you stomp on your dignity for an ailing soul until you’re left with nothing but an empty heart and a distress of viral plague. So you promise your demons you’ll never love again, only to love more and more until your heart gives in and you become a heartless corpse, incapable of loving.

And then it hits you like a slap in the face: you are loveless.

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Accomplishment?

I honestly can’t fathom a culture that solidly believes that marriage is an accomplishment. No. Marriage is not an accomplishment. Marriage is a choice. Marriage can either happen or not happen. Love doesn’t always happen. You can’t work hard to fall in love. You can’t stay up hours to fall in love. You don’t go to classes all year round to fall in love. Getting a degree is an accomplishment. Graduating top of your class is an accomplishment. Traveling the world to learn, to see, to taste, to experience new things, is an accomplishment. Writing a book is an accomplishment. Starting up a business is an accomplishment. You have to work your butts off to “accomplish” all the mentioned above. You need to fight for success. You need to not give up. And when it’s all over, you feel “accomplished”. I can’t fathom a culture that considers a person (despite all the substances that make him/her & despite the places he/she’s visited, and the books his/her mind has strolled through) a waste of space, because he/she isn’t married yet.

Soggy Fries & Chocolate Milk

The title of this post has nothing to do with the content of it. My comfort food is soggy fries and chocolate milk. Just so you know. I am going to rant. Here goes.

I’ve learnt a lot more from the road than I’ve ever learnt from familiarity. It’s funny, though. Some of us think having a stable home, a stable job, a happy family, a dog named Tommy and a cat named Timmy are what it takes to win at life. We tend to define life in accordance to what is ‘familiar’. Everyone around us has the same job, the same circumstances and we fit in just fine, and there aren’t any missing pieces to the puzzle. Everyone collages quite perfectly. But the truth that we shan’t ever run away from is that there shall come a point in our lives where our long built familiarity will not suffice anymore. Call it a mid-life crisis, call it a wake up call, call it whatever the hell your diction spells out to you, but it shall come and it will strike you hard. There is a lethal boredom, and that lethal boredom is called life, and if you don’t ultimately stand taller, it shall eat you up. Whatever you do, do it genuinely. You don’t have to do it right. Doing things right gets you into the spiral of familiarity. Just do it genuinely and you shall forever feel content; that you aren’t just some pieces of a perfectly organized puzzle of yet another ‘familiar’ life.

Okay. I’m done. Let me go dig the fridge now.

 1

The Creative Adult

When we grow older, reality hits us. It hits us so bad that we start labeling children: “naïve”, “dreamers”, “hopers” and “just kids”. We think that adults know better because they know what’s “real”. We get lost in the spirals of realism that our only escape is the dreams that are rendered as fallacies as soon as we wake up, shutting down every piece of imagination left in us and muting the almost-silent songs in our heads. But some of us keep that fire of innovation we were born with alive. And unknowingly, the fire keeps us alive.

The rest of us, though, just merely exist.

a

Depression Hurts but Kindness Lives

‘The so-called ‘psychotically depressed’ person who tries to kill herself doesn’t do so out of quote ‘hopelessness’ or any abstract conviction that life’s assets and debits do not square. And surely not because death seems suddenly appealing. The person in whom Its invisible agony reaches a certain unendurable level will kill herself the same way a trapped person will eventually jump from the window of a burning high-rise. Make no mistake about people who leap from burning windows. Their terror of falling from a great height is still just as great as it would be for you or me standing speculatively at the same window just checking out the view; i.e. the fear of falling remains a constant. The variable here is the other terror, the fire’s flames: when the flames get close enough, falling to death becomes the slightly less terrible of two terrors. It’s not desiring the fall; it’s terror of the flames. And yet nobody down on the sidewalk, looking up and yelling ‘Don’t!’ and ‘Hang on!’, can understand the jump. Not really. You’d have to have personally been trapped and felt flames to really understand a terror way beyond falling.’

I came across this quote through my recent interest in understanding the medicine-death relationship. It of course comes as no surprise that recent day medicine has failed horrendously in psychological disorders – namely depression. We, as a society, fail to understand the significance of a certain ordeal without having previously experienced it. We do not look to a depressed person as being ‘sick’ or ‘ill’ only because he seems physically well. No wounds. No bleeding. No nothing. And so we completely disregard depression as being a serious illness. We even go to the extent of calling it a ‘phase’ to deny that it even exists.

Some of us don’t quite understand the importance of letting go of the mythical beliefs inherited by our ancestors, whom weren’t fortunate as we are today with the accessibility of information just by a click of a button. What I’m trying to say is that when somebody says they’re depressed you should not counteract it with a “you’re probably not so close to God” or the infamous “Pray more and God will soothe you.” Yes of course faith is an important aspect in your will to live, however the absence of faith is not the synonym of depression. Depression is a complexity of things that, till this very day, nobody can properly define. I truly believe that there is a deficit in the understanding of depression (and similar psychological diseases) and counteracting with inappropriate responses make things a lot worse.

My advice to you is that even if medicine has failed us -when it comes to depression, that is no green card to allow yourself to indulge in the failure as well. Be part of your depressed family member’s/friend’s success story. Depression is an illness. And if you feel like a person you know is suffering from depression, do not ask him to ‘change his attitude’ or to ‘get over it’. Try showing honest support, and let it not be out of pity. Let him not feel pitied for the person he unintentionally has become. Let him not feel alone in this world. We need to learn that the easiest, cheapest and must humane medical treatment of all is being there for one another. You surely don’t need a degree to teach you the basics of humanity.

10:54

nov_06_2014

It was 10:54 am precisely thirty minutes ago. I had leftover pizza thirty-five minutes from this very time. In ten minutes, I aim to successfully put my thoughts to words. In 240 minutes, I will religiously check my blog for signs of reassurance from strangers and friends. In seven weeks, I hope to have completed my internship. Two weeks after that, I’ll be on a quest to explore Egypt. In those two weeks, I hope to do many things. In the first day I will meet strangers and make love to their thoughts. The line preceding this was edited in a way so as to not change perceptions of me.

Four years ago was where I first experienced love. Today, I can no longer express nor feel love. Six minutes ago I wanted to write. Fifty-five minutes ago I decided to write but instead ate leftover pizza. During those fifty-five minutes, I spoke my mind out for twenty minutes and made an embarrassment of myself. Seven minutes ago, I discovered wonderful music. Two minutes ago, I was rechecking my calculations in the hopes I would not make a fool of myself, although that has proven very difficult over the years. In five months and three days time I hope to no longer make a fool of myself. In one year, five months and three days time I hope to know many things. In two million and something years, humans are still unaware of their purpose on earth. In 120 minutes I will surely fall asleep again. 5760 minutes is the amount of time I should’ve had my missing package. Fifty-two weeks is far too little time for a year. Now is when I should’ve ended this post. Right now is far too long a time where I have led myself astray.

It is now 11:46 am, little has changed except for the sun’s location and my pulse rate. And the pulse rate of seven billion people – three of whom, are people I will sacrifice my life for. Sixteen minutes ago is the amount of time I had hoped to put my thoughts to words. Zero, is the number of people who will remember you when you’re dead.

11:56 is when this post ended.

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“Computer Science? What sorcery is that?”

Im a Computer Science and Mathematics major.  Most of the people I know think that Computer Science is a really boring field to get into. It goes like this, specially old aunties,

aunty 1- “computer science and AI? ae mona kehel malak dhe ae?”

aunty 2 – “ah putha (referred to as son in sinhala) so you finally found something to do? Do you plan on becoming obese, breaking your back, going blind and getting diabetes and dying?”

aunty 3 – “robotics? are you telling me that you’re going to make these weird walking machines that will kills us all one day?”

aunty 4 – “ane mey here do something that you can and come and help me sew this buttons”

So one day to prove them wrong I Introduced them to Google’s search engine and these are some of the responses that I got. ta ta tad tad daaa!

Aunty 1 – “Oh my…. putha… this is like magic noh?”

Aunty 2 – “what is that you told me sometime ago? Natural or artificial Intelligence? Come here and sit next to me and tell me all about it”

Aunty 3 – “ANE MAGEY AMBO!!! I FOUND MY BROTHER WHO WAS GIVEN UP FOR ADOPTION WHEN HE WAS FIVE! THIS IS A MIRACLE.”

They think it’s all about sitting in front of a computer the whole day and typing something which makes no sense at all. What nonsense! Computer Science, it’s FUN.  Imagine being able to make absolutely ANYTHING you want for the computer!  Hmmm, I want to make a game.  BOOM.  Huh, what about a word processor?  DONE.  A cool website?  BAM.  I’ve made all kinds of things from scripts that organize my files on my computer to a text editor to games to websites to pranks on my friends.  Once you know the basic concepts of computer science, you can apply them to every aspect of the field!

A lot of people hesitate about it on a few points.  Firstly, the one that I hear the most out of ANYTHING, is “I’m terrible at computers.”  That doesn’t mean you can’t do computer science!  Computer science is about problem solving, you just happen to use a computer to do it.  For example, I had a problem the other day where all of my music files were encrypted on my computer, and I couldn’t add then to iTunes.  Boom:  I wrote an easy script (honestly it was so easy that I learned the new programming language in a week), and it renamed all of my hundreds of files and organized them for me!  Honestly, computers are stupid creatures.  It takes a computer scientist to make it smart.

Another point that I tend to hear is that computer scientists are all boys who live in their parents’ basements and don’t have any social skillz.  WELL.  Though there are certainly some stereotypical people out there, there’s one in every major.  You’re thinking of someone now.  Good.  Yes, we don’t have many girls in the program.  Ladies, that means more jobs for you.  Cake.  And living in their parents’ basements?  Incorrect, my friend!  Computer scientists are the 2nd highest paying jobs in the country.  I just Googled it, the average starting salary for 2011 grads was $63k (Source).  Just among some of my graduating friends, I know at least 3 who had starting salaries over $80k!  Now, does someone with that kind of money live in their parents’ basement?  Unlikely.

 

There’s all kinds of websites out there that can get you started if you just want to think about computer science, just to try it out.  It’s honestly not that hard.  My 8-year-old nephew can program now because of these, you can do it!
http://www.codecademy.com/
http://codeyear.com/
http://rubymonk.com/
http://codingbat.com/
http://howtostartprogramming.com/
http://musicforprogramming.net/